Tuesday, February 22, 2011

You're a superficial asshole

You know baby not all of us can be a natural beauty.  I don't exactly roll out of bed looking like this. It's not your Aunt Martha's fault.  Back in the 1960's she didn't know about sun screen and harmful UV rays.  There weren't any beautiful female celebrities selling skin care on infomercials.  This lady has been a saint to you.  She has turned her cash into gold and put that money aside for your college fund.  So how do you thank her?  You throw a shit fit when you have to have a photo with her. I get that her skin is probably dry and smells like pickled pigs feet. I understand that, but do you know how easy you have it baby?  You live in the United States.  In a place where people don't name their babies after stupid websites...just....fruit.....and poodle names.... So stfu and smile before I punt you. 

Friday, February 18, 2011

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I'm about to slap you with some bamboo

Your vanity is unbelievable.  I don't know many people who would have the balls to hire an endangered species to take their photo for their Facebook/Twitter.  I assume you think it's artistic and "hip" to bribe the panda with TFB (trade for bamboo) on Craigslist.  Perrier here is just trying to work his way through art school. What? Now you can't even smile for him?  Do you have any idea what is happening to panda's baby? THEY ARE BECOMING STRIPPERS.  We all know that once you become a stripper you are no longer capable of actual emotion, BUT our furry friend here is a starving artist and has a dream which you crushing by CRYING during your photo shoot. Oh by the way I was on Facebook the other day and your ex girlfriend friend requested me.  Looks like she has a bright future ahead of her.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Shark Fart

I was reading online that shark attacks have gone up like.....25% in this last year.  I would like to point out this is all your fault, baby.  A lil unknown fact; sharks can sense women's menstruation, just like bears.   So when a shark sees a lady chilling in the water during her...um.....ya know....he wants to go up and congratulate on her on not being knocked up with an asshole baby such as yourself.  Then the dumb broad has to start screaming and failing around so of course the only LOGICAL way to shut her up is to take a big bite out of her leg....then eat her face.  I don't exactly blame the shark.  I mean if a dolphin was to go up to a lady on her...um..ya know.....she would giggle and ask someone to take a picture.  Because only a dumb biz-nitch like that would over look KILLER DOLPHINS . But don't worry baby, sharks and I have united to create this bad ass to seek it's revenge on you.  So have fun prancing around in your little costume....you're only making it easier for them to find you.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Hey Girl Hey

Baby, get that ghetto ass weave off your hair. There is no way in hell I am taking you dancing with me with that thing on your head.  Jesus, who have you been hanging out with? Classy ass bitch's right? Hot mess baby, you are a HOT ghetto mess.   Tyra would never put up with this. You will never be on America's Next Top Model Cycle 2,398. Mmmmmmkay? Guuuuuurl get your priorities straight. I guess I should have known when I saw your mom at prom. It was like looking into your future. I give you $20 and what are you spending it on? Walmart wigs that you super glue to your head. AWESOME. That $20 was for Goldfish crackers and my Slim Fast shakes. Next thing you're going to be getting out of your stroller not wearing a diaper showing the whole world your who-ha and I'm going to be labeled a pedophile.  I hope some jerk spits in your juice box. 

(Um....no one who writes this blog can show you a family tree that they have African American blood in them, BUT one of us is vary tan...and has HUGE lips...like a ...black.......shit.....send all hate mail here yourbaby666@gmail.com)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila ATTENTION WHORE

You are such an attention whore baby. I invite you out to happy hour with my friends for $5 margarita's and you decide to waltz....I'm sorry....SALSA in here as a taco. REALLY?! I hope some drunk frat guy tries to eat you. You are ruining this amazing holiday where we celebrate the....um....err......we celebrate......shit.......It's the one day we can come together with our Mexican population and enjoy some tequila and guacamole together without me having to hire him outside of Home Depot or to help me pack my U-Haul.  So ask you're self baby, are you a Mexi-CAN or a Mexi-CAN'T?!?!?!

(If you are anyone was offended by this posting please send an e-mail to yourbaby666@gmail.com and I will respond with my family tree tracing back .5% of my heritage to Mexico which allows me to post such things since I am in...some way...making fun of myself. Happy Cinco de Mayo. Please every don't drink and drive...but feel free to punch a baby if he ruins your tequila buzz.)

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Will some one get this asshole a tissue?

REALLY BABY? I know babies are suppose to cry...it's all you assholes do besides shit and eat. But this emo depression crap is really getting on my last nerve. What do you have to be sad about? SERIOUSLY? You get to wear awesome hats and it's adorable. You get to eat like a total slob and it's adorable. You don't have to play chess with Fred on Wednesdays.  I really want to know why you're crying? You know what I think it is? I think it's all the guilt getting to you for selling us out to a XANAX COMPANY. I just had to spend $10 on a new domain name to talk shit on you. I could have bought TWO footlongs at Subway for that much. I hate you baby, I hate you so much. Mostly because I know they bribed you with this shit for our user/login information.  Jokes on you baby.